Thursday, May 2, 2013

15 things nobody told me about being a mom

1. I will have an unidentified wet spot on some part of my clothing at all times. It'll be weird and gross, and people will stare.

2. Talking about poop will no longer be taboo, and I will bring it up at inappropriate times, like during lunch, without a second thought. Sorry in advance.

3. Speaking of poop, I will never again be able to confidently lick chocolate off my fingers.

4. Nothing in this world is more interesting, funny, or cute as my child. He is brilliant and will probably be a child prodigy of some sort. No argument.

5. People will get unbelievably annoyed at the obscene amount of pictures I post of the baby on Instagram and Facebook. See # 4.

6. Logistics will begin to rule my brain. Such as, "How will I eat this large and messy sandwich while holding this squirming baby with a bottle in his mouth, and does he need a diaper change, and how will I fit his stroller in the stall?". Multitasking is key. Also, a third arm would be helpful.

7. 9:00 PM is LATE.

8. Nothing, absolutely nothing, is as good as that little boy wrapping his arms around my neck like he'll never let go. He won't have to, because I will always be within arm's reach.

9. I will feel constantly guilty that I'm not working and contributing financially to our household, but the thought of going back to work and putting D in daycare will cause that guilt to multiply by like, a gazillion. It's a no-win situation. I now grasp the concept of "mommy guilt".

10. Diaper genies are death traps, specifically conceived to torture the fragile minds of overworked, exhausted mothers at 4 am.

11. Everything you will feed your baby is disgusting. Those moms that say they try everything their baby eats first? Yeah. Good for you. Formula and rice cereal are probably the nastiest things I've ever tasted.

12. At least once a day, I desperately wish for a kangaroo pouch. It'd be so much easier to just stuff him in a skin pocket than try to strap myself in the baby carrier contraption or unfold the spaceship that is our stroller. Now that I say it out loud, it's kind of strange to wish for a skin pouch and a third arm, but there ya go. Pregnancy does the most ridiculous things to your body, so why can't it add in some helpful additional appendages?

13. Every cough, sneeze, or sniffle is probably cholera. Or malaria. Or dysentery. Your pediatrician's phone number will be on speed dial.

14. Every milestone your child hits feels like winning a gold medal and the Nobel Prize, while eating an ice cream sundae atop a unicorn. It's a good feeling.

15. You will wonder what your life possibly could have meant before this tiny little person came into the world?

I honestly couldn't be happier.

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