Thursday, September 19, 2013

an open letter to brad pitt

Dear Brad, or Mr. Pitt-y Pants, as I like to call you;

I had been anxiously awaiting the release of World War Z so that I could rent that bad boy, and bask in some post-apocalyptic, zombie infested, Brad Pitt sexiness. So last night, that's exactly what I did.

But, oh.

Did Angie talk you into a little too much Botox, Brad dear? Or are you just now processing the horrible decision that was leaving Jen, and that caused the deer-in-the-headlights, expressionless face you were giving me last night? At some point, Brad, you're going to have to stop relying on your looks (because hey, let's face it, those are fading) and start acting like a real actor!

If zombies are chasing you and your family, society generally dictates a change in expression. Maybe even a genuine yelp of terror. Instead, I got this for two straight hours:


Now, let's discuss the scarf. You know as well as anyone, my dear Brad, that I am a huge proponent for the scarf as an accessory. However, I gotta say it; if I were getting dressed for the occasion of oh, say, the end of the world... the scarf is probably the last thing I'd think to grab. But you sir! You made that scarf work. As a blindfold, a bandage, and a jaunty fashion statement- you had it going on. Honestly, I think your scarf deserves the Emmy this year, because it did a hell of a lot more for the movie than your face did.

The perfect jaunty loop, thrown casually over the shoulder... the zombies are shuddering in fear from the fashion smack-down.

But I will give you this much, for the over-the-top expensive, epic fail that was World War Z... SCARIEST EFFING ZOMBIES EVER! Which probably made your lackluster performance stand out all the more. If this is staring you down, I'm gonna need you to give me something. An eyebrow twitch, a lip snarl, maybe even a little piddle in your pants. But something, Brad darling. You look like you're at the supermarket, picking out which brand of denture cream is the most effective.

So in conclusion, Brad, I invite you to re-evaluate your life, and your priorities, because obviously, something isn't working. Possibly you're an overworked dad of 1700 children- you're also rich as all hell. Pay a nanny. Get some sleep. Or next time, audition for the part of Zombie Number 1, because you've got that performance in the bag.

And don't make me waste my $3.99 again. Or I will go straight up chipmunk-zombie on yo ass.

You've been warned, sir.



  1. This is awesome. I have not seen the movie but I loved your review! haha :)

  2. Brilliant and true. PS. If we have to look at an expressionless face can it be Ryan Reynolds next time.

  3. XD Lewy took me to see this when it came out down here.... normally zombies give me nightmares (i dont know why because it only happens if i watch them right before bed) this one didnt though, its funny how, like u said the zombies were actually well done in this and pretty scary but I have more nightmares after watching zombieland than War Z..... He did do a pretty good job of staying fashion conscious during the apocalypse i guess we have to give him credit for that.... and he did stop to get the medicine for his daughter, unlike some of the other movies i've seen where they just make the sick person suck it up or end up leaving them behind to die....