Monday, September 9, 2013

feeling contemplative

I'm sitting alone on my parent's back porch, with their cat in my lap. It's about 65 degrees, the sun just going down, looking out over the clouds hovering low on the mountains. I can see the city lights stretched out before me, but all around is just horses and hay bales.

I'm sort of pinching myself that we actually did this. We actually picked up and moved 2,000 miles away from everything we know, across the freaking COUNTRY. It's really rather terrifying, if you must know. Oh, it still feels like the right decision. I still feel like this is what we were supposed to do... but have you ever heard that old saying about how God only helps those who help themselves? Well, right about now, I feel like we need A LOT of help! I don't feel nearly as capable of handling this as I did a few days ago. I know that it mostly has to do with the fact that we had a long day today- we unloaded our moving truck of belongings into a teeny tiny storage unit, only taking with us what we'd absolutely need for the next few weeks, and moved into my parent's room above the garage (yeesh, talk about a step backwards!).

I feel unsettled, precarious, adrift in the wild Montana wind. However, with that panicked sense of fear, there comes a sense of clarity, as well. It's amazing how much we identify with our stuff. Take away the materialistic items, the feeling of a "home base", most people start to feel a little uncertain. I mean really, does eating off of my dishes instead of my mother's really have any effect on my day whatsoever? Does being surrounded by my things really bring me that much security, that I'm so off balanced when it's stripped away?

It's a question I never really thought to ask. We've been striving over the past few months to simplify our lives, to get rid of all the stuff. How funny is it then, when we've ultimately achieved our goal, that all I want is to see my pictures on the wall? The curtains that I picked out? To be surrounded by, not just the people who make up my home, but the things that do so as well? It's one of the many things I've been struggling with today, the feeling of packing up my life and starting a new one.

It's humbling to realize the lessons that are being learned by doing something so big, and so scary. Starting over is never easy for anyone, but really, should the best things in life be easy?

Somehow, I get the feeling that the big guy upstairs is answering that question for me, and the answer is a big, resounding, no.

Promptly followed by, "Get it together, small fry."


  1. I know how you feel, when I made the decision to stay down here in Aus while my mom and step dad moved back over there, I constantly feel alone down here, even though I know I'm surrounded by family (albeit they are inlaws) who love me, I always wonder if we are doing the right thing because I see other people pretty much walking into the things they want, getting married, having kids, buying their dream houses.... and yet we struggle to pay our bills because I cant find full time work... i know that there's a plan in motion for us, and i keep telling myself that we struggle so we will appreciate it more when we get to where we want to be, but sometimes i just want to scream at the top of my lungs.

    I know it seems like things arent going your way right now, but like I said there's a plan in motion for u guys, and if your gut is telling you that this is the right thing then it probably is! You're a smart one Ash, you wont make a stupid decision, and if you ever need to talk about it i'm here for you! I can lend a sympathetic shoulder to whinge on coz I've been there too! Love you!!!!!

  2. I know its hard, we've done the move thing so many times....starting over each time is tough. A simple life is a great life. But all that 'stuff" is the memories you've created over the years. Each item in my house has a memory or a thought linked to it. It's not always just "stuff". Items you choose for your home and family mean something to you, even if you don't know it yet. Love you sweet potato!!!