Thursday, February 28, 2013

life is hard.

Hey guys, news flash.

Life is hard.

I know, right? Profound.

As I sit here writing this post, it is 2:30 am, and I am suffering from wicked insomnia, a cold, and a fever. Good times all around.

Tonight, my hubby asked me to stop acting like everything was perfect. To really tell him how I was feeling, because he could tell that my happy face was not genuine. I broke down and cried, and laid it all out on the table. 

I'm tired.
I'm sad.
I'm lonely.
I'm overwhelmed.
The house is dirty, laundry isn't done and bottles need washed.
And I should be a better mother/wife/woman and be able to handle it all.

I am super hard on myself, ya'll. 
(I blame Pinterest)

There are lots of us out there. The type A personalities, the perfectionists. What others don't realize, however, is that we lay awake at night thinking of what hasn't been done, literally losing sleep over laundry.

 Three weeks after the birth of my child, I created a weekly cleaning schedule for myself, to make sure I got all the household chores done. I came within inches of making a daily schedule for myself as well.

Hubby was not pleased, as you can tell by his nice little added note.

This list only proved to make me feel more inadequate, because I couldn't keep up. I was so frustrated by the fact that my body was not healing fast enough, and I couldn't do everything I needed wanted to do. There were days I was literally in so much pain because I had tried to take care of the baby, get myself cleaned up and presentable, made sure the house was clean, and had dinner on the table, and my body just could not keep up with my mind.

Who am I trying to impress with my organizational skills and spotless house? My husband could care less if there is a dust bunny the size of Kansas in the corner, or if we have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner 3 nights in a row. He puts no pressure on me. None. Zero.

So why do I make myself feel inadequate?

Why do I feel so overwhelmed by all these tasks I have created for myself, rather than enjoying this time with my baby, time that I will never get back? Granted, having a child changes your life. Like completely. It changes your body, your mindset, your relationship with your spouse.... and it can be a difficult transition. 

But I seriously need to start taking everyone's advice and cut myself some slack, before I end up in the loony bin.

So often, we as mothers/wives/women are held to this unbelievable standard. Heidi Klum walked the runway 6 weeks after giving birth, why is my tummy still poochy 2 months later? Jessica Alba uses only green, organic products for her children, and my dog just licked the baby in the face. The author of the blog I read daily is always perfectly put together, with fashionable outfits and perfect hair, and I'm still in my pajamas at  5:00 pm. 

Come on, ladies. Let's stop comparing ourselves to these unattainable standards, and start being satisfied with what we can do in a day. You never know what's going on behind the scenes... Heidi Klum probably didn't eat and worked out 6 times a day before walking the runway, Jessica Alba probably has a housekeeper and a nanny and has time to think about whether her diapers are environmentally friendly. And honestly, I'd rather spend time making my baby smile than standing in front of my closet, trying to figure out a cute outfit for the day or doing my hair.

The moral of this rambling, possibly incoherent 3:00 am blog post is that I am tired of trying to live up to my own unrealistic expectation of what a perfect wife and mother should be.

I am good enough.

1 comment:

  1. You ARE a wonderful person Ash.... and even though I dont have kids yet i know what u are going on about. It drives me insane that I cant cook healthy meals for my Lewy, even though we havent had a proper kitchen since we moved into our house, i feel like a "half-assed housewife" which I call myself on numerous occasions because some of our stuff is still in boxes and I cant clean properly or put things away because the kitchen isnt finished yet... And in my head its all my fault that we havent had a wedding yet or gone on a holiday in 8 years because I cant find full time work so its hard for us to save....
    You spend all the time u can with that handsome little man, because when Heidi looks back on things she will have missed out on so much, and u will have been there for everything! I can only imagine how stressful it can be, but on the bright side u can have an insomnia buddy, when ur up that late u can always come bug me on facebook and vent until ur hearts content <3 Promise I wont judge, i'll just listen and be there for u <3